I wish I was a loser

How the hell did this happen,
This really quick increase in girth?

My boobs have gone huge and my stomach has swelled
I look like I’m about to give birth

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My stretch marks have got their own stretch marks
My arse is obscuring the sun

Another few months of me eating like this
Will have me weighing in close to a ton

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My friends say I’m curvy and gorgeous
My husband says, there’s more to love

But I pant when I walk, and sometimes when I talk
My lungs are now ready to pop

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My thighs have been rubbing together
My hair line is sweaty and lank

Coz I can’t walk a mile without a need to perspire
It’s my gluttonous ways I should thank

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People ask if I favour a sweet tooth,
or am I driven by savoury scoff

I don’t have enough teeth to count the flavours I crave
Just slap it down there in a trough

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I don’t think fat makes me ugly
I’ve still got the same smile and eyes

But that won’t last long if clog up my heart
With cholesterol saturated pies

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I get puffed out pulling on leggings
I get sweaty blow drying my hair

Shaving my legs is like trimming the hedge
When I’m stretching to strip my legs bare

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My back’s done in tying my laces
My shoulder’s knackered fastening bras

My backside is hogging two seats on the bus
And I’m struggling fitting in cars

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I’m paying each month for weight watchers
As I’m just watching my weight increase

I promise to keep to plan,  then I look at my hands
In the cupboard with biscuits in reach

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I promise to make up a salad,
to make soups that have zero points within

But then I get a whiff of my husband’s left over chips
And I’m fishing them out of the bin

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I’ll have to admit I’m addicted
To sugar and fattening food

My appetite’s directed by emotional thoughts
and is mainly directed by mood

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I’m pushing down challenging feelings
As I comfort a stomach in knots

I punctuate sadness, happiness and ire
With Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in big massive pots

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I’ll start over again in the morning
I’ll be perfect and good from now on

I make up a brew with a biscuit or two
then I’m eating a packet of scones

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I’ll start once again in the morning
And skip breakfast coz I’m in a rush

Then I’m starving by 12, so I stupidly delve
Into biscuits for a sugary munch

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A few friends haven’t seen me in ages
I’m ashamed that my body’s increased

But they don’t seem that bothered about my big chubby arms
My self confidence finally finds peace

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They seemed to be chuffed at our options
They don’t have to restrain what they eat

They talk of how dull that I had become
When I chose to decline offered treats

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They tell me I have a pretty face
And how terribly funny I can be

Now I’m back in my place as the group’s funny fat mate
Because that’s how they like me to be

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But I’m funny when my bum is smaller
Visible cheekbones didn’t dampen my wit

I can make people laugh when I don’t over spill baths
And when most shops have clothes that will fit

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Again, I don't think I’m ugly
and I’m not judging anyone else’s size

But chubby for me isn’t what I want be
as that’s where I’ve chosen to hide

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If I’m chubby then you can see through me
my sadness apparent in weight

If scoffing at Maccies or a KFC
You should know it’s for misery’s sake

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I eat for internal gut cuddles
I binge pushing down worried thoughts

I’ll inhale bag of chips that end up on my hips
Then my once baggy trousers contort

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In two years I’ve gained more than a dress size
but I‘m more than my plus size can tell

Now the scales need to read that a new start’s in need
As my challenge has changed to “be well”

©️ Emma Seasman