Emma Watkinson

How the hell did this happen, This really quick increase in girth? My boobs have gone huge and my stomach has swelled I look like I’m about to give birth * My stretch marks have got their own stretch marks My arse is obscuring the sun Another few months of me eating like this Will have me weighing in close to a ton * My friends say I’m curvy and gorgeous My husband says, there’s more to love But I pant when I walk, and sometimes when I talk My lungs are now ready to pop * My thighs have been rubbing together My hair line is sweaty and lank Coz I can’t walk a mile without a need to perspire It’s my gluttonous ways I should thank * People ask if I favour a sweet tooth, or am I driven by savoury scoff I don’t have enough teeth to count the flavours I crave Just slap it down there in a trough * I don’t think fat makes me ugly I’ve still got the same smile and eyes But that won’t last long if clog up my heart With cholesterol saturated pies * I get ...

I like mates who don't need selfies to prove our friendship's worth, there's no need for Facebook check ins for every meeting place we share I like mate’s who don’t demand my time in every vacant spot For who months pass without a text, then we pick up where we left off I like mate’s who don’t beg allegiance for all of their opinions you know, those one’s who hog the limelight ( and treat their friendship group as minions ) I like mates content with silence, who don’t need to fill each pause our chats without performance ‘cause simple company’s the cause I like mates without a tournament to tick a success box Competition with a mate can make a friendship hit the rocks I like mates without a mandate, who don’t demand I take instruction Who love when I’m a knob head coz their tickled by dysfunction I like mates who hate my fella when I’m angry with him too But then revert when I’ve made up with him, coz they respect my altered view I like mates who know it’s not personal, wh...

The effs and the Jeffs fall out of my grid Like an angry old man or a ket wigged kid The C's and the T's leave the passengers shocked As I swear on the bus with my censor unlocked I turn the air blue as I chat to my mate Expletives aloud in our curse ridden debate I make the girls blush with my filth laden chat Expressing anger and bile in a profane attack They stare and shake heads as I bellow and holler I should filter my words, when I wear my dog collar Amen © Emma Seasman 14/07/2016

I don’t mind a trim or a bit off the side  but I won’t wax it off Hollywood style   If baldy’s your taste in that bit past you waist  that’s sound but it’s just not my pubic style taste!   If you’re “Yippee-ki-yay.” that is totally fine if your pants have Bruce Willis' hair style inside   But if it’s pressure from a fella as he prefers bare,  why does he have a say in your bodily hair?   Girls have to shave under arms and all over our legs  but man hair’s accepted, so the question it begs   Why can they rock hirsute but demand women shaven when the beard on their face is a biscuit crumb haven?   His bathroom is stocked with beard styling wax  but if you don’t strip bits, he says his knob will relax   If he says “wax off your fur”  then you should wax strip his nads bare so he can experience the painful removal of hair   The depilatory sting if we wax off our minge,  or if we chose to shave it or thread it with ...

Dear sanitary ads with liquids blue You wring them out, wing them out and proclaim your truth * We are surfing and skating Smiling white with hair tossed back, Not doubled up, cramping and hating * My sanitary pad won’t wring out blue My tampon won’t absorb a glass full As your adverts claim they do * I’m in Pizza Express with my white dress stained A patch on the seat, face red And knickers tinted * Diners are horrified at the spillage from my thighs I‘ll have to fake a red wine stain To take the judgement from their eyes "EXCUSE ME WAITER, CAN YOU MOP UP THE MERLOT? ” * Always Ultra lied to me, Tampax blagged and truth defiled me Maxi size with mini action * Anyway, why won’t these towels stay stuck my knickers, yet they yank out mi pubes like an Immac wax stripper? * Why don’t my roller boots ease my pain; like the smiley faced girls in white jeans with no crimson stains? * Their skin shines bright when sunlight glist...